she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
