You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
