So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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