:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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