I wish I could teleport
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
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