cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
