I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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