you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
