I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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