we made out on top of his cat.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize