Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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