Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I think i peed on brittanys purse
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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