god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
