dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Randomize
