turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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