I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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