he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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