I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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