I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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