we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
