im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
