I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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