Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
