I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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