I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
