Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
