pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
