i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
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