now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I think your dad took our porno
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
