she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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