It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
