and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
