The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize