My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Randomize
