I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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