I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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