i wish my penis had a tongue
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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