I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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