On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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