I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize