I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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