It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
