Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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