I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
