can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
