I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize