So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
