I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Randomize
