The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
