the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
