Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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