Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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