I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Randomize
