alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
