im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
