I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
