did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
