My underwear smells like fireworks.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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