just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize