I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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