I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Randomize
