I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
