Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
